Family comes in many different forms. Yet when we sit down at the dinner table on Thanksgiving, some of our experiences are more... universal than you’d think. No matter how you’re celebrating the holidays this season, your Oats Family wishes you nothing but the best. So without further ado, here are five types of family members, friends, and distant relatives you might encounter over Thanksgiving.
The Cheek Pincher
Kids know and fear the affection of the cheek pincher. Their adoration towards you is somehow limitless, as is their ability to inflict minor pain and maximum shame with every grab of the cheek. You might think growing up will save you from their two-fingered grasp, but in truth, nothing will. You’re better off accepting this reality and facing it head-on.
The Conspiracy Theorist
Did Stanley Kubrick direct the moon landing footage from a studio on Earth? Is there extraterrestrial life being held captive inside Area 51? Is our whole society run by reptilian elites living underground? These are the kinds of questions the conspiracy theorist raises at the dinner table. Prepare accordingly.
Wait, Are We Even Related?
We all have that relative. You don’t know where they fit into the family tree, but they never miss out on the Thanksgiving festivities. In fact, your entire relationship is built on the one day a year you see each other. And when you ask family members how you’re all related, they’re not totally sure, either. So you better just go along with it.
The Tech Gur
This kid isn’t old enough to drive, but they could easily run an I.T. department. While you’re waiting your turn for another scoop of mashed potatoes, they’re juggling a tablet, smartphone, and a handheld video game console all at once. Got any questions about your smart TV back at home? Now would be the time to ask.
The Infinite Jest(er)
The jokester archetype typically comes in the form of an aunt or uncle. They’ve leaned on the same three jokes for as long as you can remember, and somehow they still hit without fail. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!” they’ll say when you point out their limited repertoire. And yet without them, the holidays would be an absolute snooze fest.
You’re Pretty Legit
No matter how quirky your family of origin may be, we welcome you to ours. If you’re already part of our Oats Family, we want to take this season to say thank you once again. You are the reason. Full stop. And if you’re not yet part of our crew, consider this our invitation to join a community of support and positivity, fueled each day by a premium breakfast.